Admission of Guilt

If you're like me you're seeing a person standing before a judge and the judge says "How do you plead?"  There I am cowering and I say "Guilty Your Honor. I did it.  Throw the book at me!."  The truth is I'm racked with guilt this morning and I've already tried, convicted, and buried myself under the jail.

Let me back up just a bit for those of you that only read my blog occasionally (Why would you read at all? I haven't posted in over 6 months! :o)  I realize that most of you have no idea whats going on in my life so let me take a quick moment to bring everyone up to speed.

Things are good for the most part.  We have started school and it's been trying but I can see that we are going to have one of the best years yet once we get the beginning kinks worked out.  I've spoken before about Inspired to Action and the Hello Mornings challenges that Kat has.  Kats website and her free materials have inspired me and helped me make some changes.  I've been involved in 3 challenges and while going through this summers challenge I started to feel like I should get more involved with these challenge. In June (or was it early July?) I got an email that they were looking for volunteers to lead a group of ladies for the Fall 2012 Hello Mornings Challenge.  I knew I was supposed to do this so I submitted my info. So here I am.  I'm an Accountability Captain (AC) to 20 women.

I'd like to tell you that I'll wax elegant like my precious and beautiful friend Erica, who has a way with words, about my thoughts, struggles, and enlightenment's, etc. but the truth is I won't.  I'll most likely be sloppy, unintelligible, and down right whiny sometimes.  I'm OK with that.  I hope you can be OK with it too.  My desire is to be raw and open with you here in this minuscule piece on the world wide web.

Fast forward to this morning.  Well really last night.  This morning was Day 1 of the Fall 2012 Hello Mornings Challenge.  Last night I didn't get to bed on time.  I was up at 6 this morning but I didn't Maximize anything about my morning or so I thought.  I checked in to my group while laying in bed.  Guilt is starting to creep in.  After I checked in I almost went back to sleep.  Oh I'm handpicking the nastiest jury I can find by this point.  My Bible study is on my Kindle RIGHT BESIDE ME on my night stand.  I'm so pathetic. Here I am with this group of 20 women who are depending on me to encourage them, love on them, and pray for them.  How can I love them when I loath myself?  How can I encourage them when I'm chewing on dirt and gasping for air under the jail?  (See a pattern evolving here?)

Then I remember it. I remember the post a few days ago at Inspired to Action about Why I Was A Great Mom This Week.  It was all about how us Moms focus on our failures and never stop to think about what we did accomplish and succeed at.  I'm feeling a bit more encouraged thinking about that so I pick up my Bible study and remember that we are studying 1 Peter.  I've always loved Peter.  We are kindred spirits if there ever was some.  I may not display the image of God very good most days but I wouldn't hesitate to cut someones ear off to protect and defend my Savior no matter how misguided those actions are.  I'm hot headed, deeply passionate about those I love and fiercely protective of them.  I'd soak myself in gasoline and walk through fire for Him if that's what was necessary.  Really I would.  Thank goodness I don't have to at this time.

Peter was intimately acquainted with guilt.  He had to be.  Of all the disciples he probably had the keenest sense of who Jesus was.  He knew Jesus only second to John I think.  I know all the disciples knew who Jesus was and had a limited understanding of the what that really meant but Peter's answers and actions tell me he understood the deity of Jesus differently than the other disciples.  There was a simple depth to Peter that I don't completely see in the others.  Yet he denied Him at the most critical time.  My heart breaks for Peter when I think of this.  It breaks because I can image doing the same thing.  I KNOW the consequence of his actions.  Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach with guilt.  I know Peter felt the same way.  I can't imagine the weight of the guilt Peter felt.

What did Peter do with that guilt and remorse?  Did he let it define him?  Paralyze him into inaction?  Maybe for a short time but not very long.   Peter is a stark contrast to Judas who hung himself in his guilt.  Peter could have easily chosen to let the guilt consume him and ended up just like Judas.  But he didn't.

Am I going to let the guilt consume me?  Am I going to be defined by failure and guilt?  I have a choice today.  I chose Life.  I chose the one that Loves Me Still.  I've dug out from under the jail and I'm headed to the Living Water for a shower.

Are you going to let failure and guilt take hold this morning?  I beg you not to.  I implore you to remember that no matter what mistakes there is no one out of reach of the Living Savior.  He Loves You Still!!

Happy Hello Mornings everyone!

iPad Giveaway

Apps School is giving away and iPad 2 with a whole bunch of apps.  Go to http://www.apps-school.com/giveaway.htm to enter.

Really. Who doesn't want an iPad?

Ready? Set! GO!

Late in 2010 the Lord began a work in me that took me by surprise.  It started first with this video. Then came the video that the Lord continues to speak to me through.

For the first time last year I named the year with one word. 2011's one word was New. I felt like the Lord told me to name 2011 the year of NEW.  I can honestly say that there are many NEW things about me and my life but while in 2011 I felt as though nothing was new.  I didn't realize that there were new things happening inside me. In the moment (year) I felt like a failure.  I felt like nothing was new at all.

Well December of last year (I love saying that!) rolled around and I began to pray and seek God for 2012's one word.  At first I wasn't getting anything. I prayed and I could hear the crickets chirping between here and heaven.  I began to wonder if last year's one word was just something I wanted and not what the Lord had spoken at all.  That would explain why nothing felt new.  Yes I was starting to see the error of my ways in naming 2011.

One night about a week before Christmas I was drawn to You Tube to watch something a friend had told me about. Note that I wasn't praying about One Word 2012 or even thinking about it at the time.  While there I watched the above video again after not watching it for a while.  I usually watch it every few weeks but life had just kept me from going there to watch.  As usual the video went straight to the deepest part of my soul.  I was reaffirmed in some things the Lord had told me previously and then.....right there on the screen was the word GO.  The Lord said "Paige, GO now. 2012 is the year of GO. Go do all the things your mind lingers on in the dark of night when sleep is scarce. Go and move out into the calling I've given you. Above all else be ready to GO whenever I tell you to."  My whole body was electric in those seconds. I almost didn't believe what I heard.  GO and not be still?  GO and not be patient?  Go and not "Not right now. You aren't ready yet."? GO!  Really?

Lord did You just release me into the ministry You have crushed my heart with?  Did You?  Really?

I wish I explain what all GO means but I truly can't fathom it all right now.  I'm still a bit in shock.  There are a few things I consider minor that I know He told me to act on and I'll be doing those soon.  Subscribe to my blog in your favorite reader to stay up to date.  All I know right now is that I am NEW and last year was a holding year while He made many things NEW inside me.  There are not words to describe how different I feel. I look the same. Sound the same yet inside me is a different perspective that is starting to come through around my family.  Of course there is still a lot to be changed into His likeness but I'm making progress and I know it.

2012! Here we come!

What's your One Word for 2012?