Monday, August 20, 2012

Admission of Guilt

If you're like me you're seeing a person standing before a judge and the judge says "How do you plead?"  There I am cowering and I say "Guilty Your Honor. I did it.  Throw the book at me!."  The truth is I'm racked with guilt this morning and I've already tried, convicted, and buried myself under the jail.

Let me back up just a bit for those of you that only read my blog occasionally (Why would you read at all? I haven't posted in over 6 months! :o)  I realize that most of you have no idea whats going on in my life so let me take a quick moment to bring everyone up to speed.

Things are good for the most part.  We have started school and it's been trying but I can see that we are going to have one of the best years yet once we get the beginning kinks worked out.  I've spoken before about Inspired to Action and the Hello Mornings challenges that Kat has.  Kats website and her free materials have inspired me and helped me make some changes.  I've been involved in 3 challenges and while going through this summers challenge I started to feel like I should get more involved with these challenge. In June (or was it early July?) I got an email that they were looking for volunteers to lead a group of ladies for the Fall 2012 Hello Mornings Challenge.  I knew I was supposed to do this so I submitted my info. So here I am.  I'm an Accountability Captain (AC) to 20 women.

I'd like to tell you that I'll wax elegant like my precious and beautiful friend Erica, who has a way with words, about my thoughts, struggles, and enlightenment's, etc. but the truth is I won't.  I'll most likely be sloppy, unintelligible, and down right whiny sometimes.  I'm OK with that.  I hope you can be OK with it too.  My desire is to be raw and open with you here in this minuscule piece on the world wide web.

Fast forward to this morning.  Well really last night.  This morning was Day 1 of the Fall 2012 Hello Mornings Challenge.  Last night I didn't get to bed on time.  I was up at 6 this morning but I didn't Maximize anything about my morning or so I thought.  I checked in to my group while laying in bed.  Guilt is starting to creep in.  After I checked in I almost went back to sleep.  Oh I'm handpicking the nastiest jury I can find by this point.  My Bible study is on my Kindle RIGHT BESIDE ME on my night stand.  I'm so pathetic. Here I am with this group of 20 women who are depending on me to encourage them, love on them, and pray for them.  How can I love them when I loath myself?  How can I encourage them when I'm chewing on dirt and gasping for air under the jail?  (See a pattern evolving here?)

Then I remember it. I remember the post a few days ago at Inspired to Action about Why I Was A Great Mom This Week.  It was all about how us Moms focus on our failures and never stop to think about what we did accomplish and succeed at.  I'm feeling a bit more encouraged thinking about that so I pick up my Bible study and remember that we are studying 1 Peter.  I've always loved Peter.  We are kindred spirits if there ever was some.  I may not display the image of God very good most days but I wouldn't hesitate to cut someones ear off to protect and defend my Savior no matter how misguided those actions are.  I'm hot headed, deeply passionate about those I love and fiercely protective of them.  I'd soak myself in gasoline and walk through fire for Him if that's what was necessary.  Really I would.  Thank goodness I don't have to at this time.

Peter was intimately acquainted with guilt.  He had to be.  Of all the disciples he probably had the keenest sense of who Jesus was.  He knew Jesus only second to John I think.  I know all the disciples knew who Jesus was and had a limited understanding of the what that really meant but Peter's answers and actions tell me he understood the deity of Jesus differently than the other disciples.  There was a simple depth to Peter that I don't completely see in the others.  Yet he denied Him at the most critical time.  My heart breaks for Peter when I think of this.  It breaks because I can image doing the same thing.  I KNOW the consequence of his actions.  Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach with guilt.  I know Peter felt the same way.  I can't imagine the weight of the guilt Peter felt.

What did Peter do with that guilt and remorse?  Did he let it define him?  Paralyze him into inaction?  Maybe for a short time but not very long.   Peter is a stark contrast to Judas who hung himself in his guilt.  Peter could have easily chosen to let the guilt consume him and ended up just like Judas.  But he didn't.

Am I going to let the guilt consume me?  Am I going to be defined by failure and guilt?  I have a choice today.  I chose Life.  I chose the one that Loves Me Still.  I've dug out from under the jail and I'm headed to the Living Water for a shower.

Are you going to let failure and guilt take hold this morning?  I beg you not to.  I implore you to remember that no matter what mistakes there is no one out of reach of the Living Savior.  He Loves You Still!!

Happy Hello Mornings everyone!

1 comment:

LuAnn Braley said...

I haven't been consumed by guilt, but I've sure let it immobilize me sometimes. Determined to change that!


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