It's 9:45 and the lights just went out. I'm laying there with heart aching after reading about the suicide of Trey Pennington. I'll ready admit that I didn't know Mr. Pennington. I didn't even follow him on twitter. What weighed so heavy on me was how hopeless he must have felt to make the choice to end his own life. I thought of how hopeless I've been at different points in my life. Many years ago I was very near suicide. As the tears begin to flow I try to conceal them from my husband laying next to me. I don't want to have to explain my shame if he asks me whats wrong. I'm consumed with the children who are starving, dyeing of preventable diseases. How hopeless must they feel? That hopelessness eats them up from inside.
I'm standing in my (admittedly) small kitchen railing about the injustice of having to endure this travesty of a kitchen, house even. I'm angry. I'm fussing because there aren't enough pots and pans to cook the way I want to. My kitchen is the size of some families HOUSES. I wish I could tell you I realized my own travesty right there in my kitchen and stopped dead in my tracks. Sadly, I did not.
That night the tears flow hot and I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. Shame and disgust eat me up from inside. I cry out to Jesus and tell him just what I think of myself. I fully expect the disappointed silence.
His arms around me pulling me up into His lap, holding me tight, so there's no question Who has me. He says "I know but I still love you." and I feel it in my bones. I KNOW He does still love me. Really? This black heart? You still love me? INCONCEIVABLE!! How? Why? "Because you hate the black Paige. You keep pressing into Me so I can wash you white as snow." I do? I don't feel like I do. I feel like I stand and spew black sickness all over my kitchen and house because I'm a self absorbed, whining, bratty child. No more words, just arms so strong and safe I know the truth that is HIM. He need not speak. I know and feel His truth in His all consuming grip.
You've probably noticed a bit of a focus change here on my blog over the last few weeks and even this year. God wrecked my whole idea of life before Christmas 2010. I've not known what to do with myself, this blog, since then. The last few weeks the Lord has been making my call clearer. Things carried from childhood are starting to make sense. Things that didn't make sense before are getting clearer. Praise the Lord!!
I'll still write about homeschooling and my family. I'll just be sharing more about how I'm learning to live in this first world with one foot firmly planted in the third world. There is so much He wants us to learn. So much He wants us to do. Life won't be dull if you'll step into God's story with me. You won't be able to control it at all but in the end that's where the Life Abundantly will come from.
In honor of Shaun Groves new record Third World Symphony I'm starting a Third World Thursday meme. What is Third World Thursdays you ask? Every Thursday I will post something in regards to third world countries, the children and families that live there, their living conditions, how I'm helping a child or family in a third world, how I'm reconciling our first world with their third world, Compassion or any other child advocate organization, projects these organizations are creating to help release children from poverty, a child that needs sponsorship or clean water or food. You get the idea. If you are blogging about third world issues, children, needs, or even how to live more simply so that they can simply live, this is the place to link up. The linky will be active from Thursday to Wednesday for each week. Come and join me as I seek to be the hands and feet of Jesus for the least of these.
Ready! Set! Go!