The evening began with the 4 year old moving the 11 year olds presents around under the tree and the 11 year old yelling "Don't touch my presents!" and grabbing them and putting them back where they were. After dinner I'm watching a video on youtube and I watch another video produced by the same people.
I am undone.
I call the 11 year old to sit and watch and listen. Tears stream down his cheeks. I hold him and we cry together for a few minutes. Then he looks at me and says "But how do we GO Mama?"
"Son Going will look different for each person. Can you see that we can't sit here and guard our own lives anymore?"
"Yes Mama. I understand. I will GO. I will be disappointed to not have my presents on Christmas morning but knowing the children will have presents is all I need."
I am undone again.
I am ashamed.
I am privileged.